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CHAT S***, GET BANGED?

While Football Daily likes to think we have our finger on the cultural pulse, before this week we were oblivious to the fact that Jamie Vardy has his own podcast. Called Jamie Vardy’s Having a Party, it is a far more sedate affair than the name suggests, given the only episode we have seen features our t1tular hero and his sidekick the comedian Josh James listening to Mike Dean reminisce about his time as a referee. While Football Daily can’t think of any social gathering that wouldn’t be enhanced by the presence of a 61-year-old former match official from the Wirral on its guest list, this isn’t so much a party as an occasionally awkward conversation. Its claim to be “a hilarious look back at Mike’s career at the heart of English football” is as bold as it is false, but what the episode lacks in laughs it has more than made up for in controversy.

During the course of the chat, Dean revealed to his hosts that in the pre-VAR era he and his assistants used to keep themselves amused by playing little games within games of top-flight football. “We used to say: ‘Right, we’ll kick off now, right? See how long we can go without blowing a whistle’. Done that a few times in the Premier, before VAR obviously. Went 20-25 minutes without blowing a whistle a few times. Let it go, let it go, let it go.” Dean went on to tell his inquisitors that he also used to see how long he could go without leaving the centre-circle while games were being played around him, claiming that he once set up camp in one for almost 15 minutes. “That was just me joking about,” he honked, promptly eliciting not entirely convincing laughs from a clearly surprised Josh and Jamie.

It is a stonewall certainty that assorted media outlets have tasked some unfortunate interns with sifting through Dean’s extensive back catalogue to check if his boasts of a disgraceful lack of professionalism stand up to scrutiny, but it will be a surprise if any evidence is found to support them. While his claims have obviously made headlines and sparked entirely predictable levels of outrage on Social Media Disgraces, they smack of a desperation for validation from an insecure man eager to impress the bigger boys by channeling his inner Jay from The Inbetweeners. “It’s palpable nonsense,” sighed the former whistle-blower Graham Scott, when quizzed about the matter on TalkSport. “It’s very sad, really. I found Mike quite shy, personally. And what happened on the field and in referee meetings and what happens now on podcasts no doubt, is that he put on a persona that was way too far the other way as a kind of coping mechanism. I’ve done these podcasts. You feel under a little bit of pressure to entertain and as refs we’re just not very entertaining or funny. We’re quite dull people with no sense of humour at all. I don’t know if that’s what happened here but I’ll have a pretty solid bet with anyone that [it is].”

Not renowned for their combative or adversarial interview technique, the hosts of Jamie Vardy’s Having a Party displayed little or no inclination to probe any further on his outlandish boasts, but it seems inconceivable he will get such an easy ride when next he performs his role as resident refereeing expert in the Soccer Saturday studio. Unless proof of his negligence surfaces in the interim, he will surely be forced to cite examples or else admit to telling ludicrous fibs that will not help those working in his already beleaguered former profession.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

5 July: “It was an honour and privilege to serve the country and the Black Stars. To my players and staff, my deepest gratitude for your courage, commitment and unwavering dedication to the team. To the fans, we cannot claim complete sporting satisfaction, but we can proudly say that we honoured the colours … and restored respect and credibility on football’s greatest stage” – Carlos Queiroz bows out after Ghana’s Geopolitics World Cup exit.

3 September: “The GFA believes Queiroz’s extensive international experience, technical expertise and knowledge of ‌the Black Stars position him strongly to lead the team into this ​next chapter” – meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

MOVING THE GOALPOSTS

In today’s edition, Suzanne Wrack sets the scene for the new WSL season, which kicks off on Friday night. You can subscribe and get it sent to your inbox every Tuesday and Thursday by following these simple instructions.

FOOTBALL DAILY LETTER

Many thanks to Mike Wilner for the kind words re: my international retirement (yesterday’s Football Daily letters). Per his advice, I tried Googling the Galapagos and although I couldn’t understand much on their FA website, it seemed to have a fair few mentions of the English term ‘survival of the fittest’, so obviously that’s not an option for me. And besides, the centre-half they showed training on the beach on their homepage looked slower (and even older) than Harry Maguire. As for Mauritius, I did get a little excited about my prospects on learning that their nickname was the Dodos, but then I saw that all-red strip and knew I could never don such a painful reminder of Bayern Munich, 1975, and well … Liverpool, 1892 onwards. So it’s down to Laos now, and though that sticky rice looks tasty, they also play in red. I need a new Mr 15%” – Justin Kavanagh.

If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day goes to … Rollover. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here. 

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LIFE IS A ROLLERCOASTER

In Our League™, fans still follow the traditions of moaning and groaning when things are going badly, cheering and clapping when things are going well. On the continent, however, football supporters create their own fun. Switch on the telly to watch German fußball and fans carry on singing and dancing whatever the game state. A big part of ultra culture is the “tifo” display, something taken to the nth degree by fans of VfL Osnabrück, of the 2.Bundesliga, who decided, for their German Cup game with Bayern Munich, to create an actual rollercoaster in the home end, meaning ultras got to watch a big dipper at the match. Good thing, too, their team was gubbed 4-1 by FC Hollywood. As Ronan Keating once had it, you just gotta ride it.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Hull City and the Premier League have condemned racist ⁠abuse directed at their new signing Robinio Vaz on ⁠social media ⁠and ​said they were working with authorities to identify ⁠those responsible.

Ismaïla Sarr’s Mr 15% claims African players are treated like “a commodity” after Crystal Palace blocked Liverpool’s approach, while Lamine Camara’s move from Monaco to Chelsea broke down at the 11th hour.

Folarin Balogun may not be joining Everton but Monaco are still looking to sell him, with Saudi Arabia and Turkey – where transfer windows remain open – his possible destinations.

Andoni Iraola has defended Liverpool’s strategy and said the priority was to sign quality over quantity. “There were other options we decided not to take, for different reasons,” he cooed. “But I’m happy now I know what we have.”

Enzo Fernández’s first interview at Manchester City will have raised hackles at Chelsea. “I’m really happy to be here. I always dreamed of being at a club as big as City,” he whooped. “To be honest, from the first day they believed in me and called me to say they wanted me to join, I didn’t hesitate for a second.”

Chelsea are through to the league phase of Women’s Bigger Cup, rounding off a 6-2 aggregate win over Real Sociedad.

Fitba corner: Celtic lead St Mirren by two points at the top of the Premiership after beating Aberdeen 3-0, with Camilo Durán making it six goals in seven games, while Lawrence Shankland’s two goals at Falkirk steadied the panic for Derek McInnes’ Rangers regime.

Wrexham are up and away with their first win in the Championship, exploiting Millwall’s knack woes with a 3-0 win at the Den. “A disappointing night at the office,” sighed Lions boss Alex Neil. “I didn’t think it was a great game.”

Argentinian league football will hold a collective minute’s applause to mark the retirement of Lionel Messi from the national team. “At the 10th minute of play in all matches the referees will stop the game and a general minute of applause will be held,” droned a statement. Incidentally, Messi is yet to play a minute of Argentine league football.

And this is the greatest show … yes, Hugh Jackman fancies a stake in Norwich City. “I’m very, very interested – and talking about it right now,” he roared. “I went to Carrow Road a couple of times, and I love the Canaries, and this is the year we’re going to get promoted. That’s my prediction.”

STILL WANT MORE?

Midfielders. Probably not as good as they used to be, but definitely more expensive, writes Jonathan Liew.

Could the vain pursuit of Vinícius Júnior and co at the expense of all-round strengthening come to haunt Arsenal, muses Ed Aarons.

Luke Entwistle on Bradley Barcola.

Barney Ronay delves into the Premier League’s Viv Nicholson-style appetite for spending.

Leander Schaerlaeckens reflects on the Premier League’s internal market for expensive teenagers.

Andy Hunter picks over the bones of Everton’s transfer-window failings.

Which Premier League youngsters should you be watching in the EFL? Will Unwin has you primed.

And our WSL previews continue to pile in, with Manchester United and Tottenham the latest ones hot off the production line.

MEMORY LANE

Transfer completed, it’s time to be unveiled to the press! Here’s Lee Sharpe, who hasn’t even had the chance to take his coat off before being paraded in front of the Genovese media after his loan from Leeds to Sampdoria (where he was David Platt’s first signing) in January 1999. It didn’t go well. Platt left the club in February and Sharpe, only 27 but already on the downswing after a serious knee injury, made only three appearances for the Italian club before moving to Bradford in March of the same year … and later Garforth Town.

RIP DS