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CHAOS THEORY

This feels like a good day to distract ourselves from [gestures in general direction of outside world] … so let’s check in on the latest events at Real Madrid. Have they finally found dressing-room harmony? Ah. Eek. Oh boy. Two statements from the club on Thursday revealed an “incident in the first-team training session” involving midfielders Federico Valverde and Aurélien Tchouaméni, with the former suffering “head trauma”. It’s now emerged that Valverde needed stitches after a second altercation in as many days with his teammate. After a full and frank exchange of views in Wednesday’s training session at Valdebebas, Valverde then accused Tchouaméni of leaking news of that exchange, resulting in an unseemly tussle where the Uruguayan fell and hit his head on a table. We can only imagine that poor Álvaro Arbeloa, who had just popped out for morale-boosting bocadillos, walked back in to find everything on fire, like Donald Glover in that Community episode.

Real Madrid are on their darkest timeline this season, with zero trophies collected, a systemic rebuild under Xabi Alonso quickly shelved, and the very real prospect of handing Barcelona the league title in Sunday’s clásico. Months of speculation about dressing-room discord have now come to a head. The Valverde incident arrives days after the knacked Kylian Mbappé drew heat for taking a romantic getaway in Sardinia, not long after a reported bust-up with a coach back at Valdebebas who had the temerity to flag him offside. An online petition calling for Mbappé to leave Real Madrid has received – and you’ll like this – 32 million signatures. The French forward, who can point to 41 goals in 41 games this season as a counter-argument, instead issued a half-hearted statement which can be neatly summarised as “Kylian: it was really nothing”.

Truly, the vibes are almost as toxic as the last series of I’m a Celebrity. Antonio Rüdiger is another player to have reportedly been involved in a training-ground row, while Vinícius Júnior has been booed by home fans. Alonso was given the boot with a record of 24 wins and six losses in 34 games; Arbeloa has lost seven of his 24 matches. Seeing as Madrid never actually bothered to explain if Arbeloa was a permanent or interim hire, we can expect him to be gently ushered through the door marked Do One this summer. So, who can rescue Madrid? Carlo Ancelotti is poised to sign a contract extension with Brazil, and if you type “Ancelotti Brazil carnival” into your news aggregator of choice, you can see why the Italian isn’t rushing back to manage Madrid’s many fragile egos.

Instead, if the bookies are to be believed, Florentino Pérez is ready to liberally apply petrol to this bin fire by calling on José Mourinho. The same Mourinho who said that Benfica’s Gianluca Prestianni – banned for six games after aiming abuse at Vinícius Júnior – was “victim of a smear campaign”? Yes, that one. The same Mourinho who once poked Barcelona’s Tito Vilanova in the eye after a touchline skirmish? Yes, him. The same guy who can start and finish a fight inside a paper bag? Yep. Maybe Pérez will come to his senses, and opt against hiring European football’s premier agitator. Maybe he won’t, and we’ll still get to see Mourinho hoisting Bigger Cup aloft next season, not allowing his players to touch the trophy. Whatever happens, it’s guaranteed to be entertaining.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The club understand the seriousness of the matter and it is currently being investigated. As a result, Álex will not be included in the squad for tomorrow’s Premier League game against Fulham and the club will be making no further comment at this time” – Bournemouth confirm they have dropped Álex Jiménez after opening an investigation relating to social media posts. It follows alleged exchanges between Jiménez and an individual who appears to state that they are a 15-year-old girl.

FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS

If Arsenal fans find that they are getting ripped off by hotels in Budapest for the Bigger Cup final, they might try booking hotels in Vienna near the main train station. Vienna-Budapest is less than three hours by train; a pleasant trip along the Danube. Trains run every hour, cost about €53 one way, and the fastest train makes the trip in 2hr 20min. The hotel prices in Vienna should be back down to normal … the Eurovision Song Contest will be over on 16 May. Bratislava might also be a better place to stay and the beer is cheaper” – Eric Ries (“not a travel agent, nor a worker for the Austrian National Railway”).

On a similar vein to Declan Rice’s misquote (yesterday’s Football Daily letters), I remember sometime ago when Manchester United were having problems, Rio Ferdinand was being interviewed about how the players should react. He replied that ‘someone had to assume the mantelpiece’” – Peter Arnold.

If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … Eric Ries, who gets a copy of Classic Football Shirts. It’s out now and the Guardian Bookshop is offering discounted copies here if you’re not successful. The are loads of other top reads on their website, too. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here. 

A GAME OF TWO FACES

For Aston Villa, the sight of John McGinn’s visage and his ‘goggles’ celebration is always a delight, and the Scottish skipper scored twice in a rampant 4-0 Bigger Vase victory over Nottingham Forest to book the Villans’ first European final since 1982. For Forest, the sight of their best player, Morgan Gibbs-White, stitched up to the nines as he watched on helplessly from the bench – the midfielder sustained a gruesome head injury in the win over Chelsea – neatly summed up Forest’s night. Having led 1-0 from the first leg, Forest were utterly outplayed at Villa Park. “The injuries Forest have had may have helped decide it, but we needed to capitalise – and we did,” roared McGinn, whose celebration is dedicated to his nephew with poor eyesight. “The margins are so slim. If we lost, we’re the nearly men. When we go to Istanbul [to face Freiburg in the final], we need to make sure we’re not the nearly men.” In Tin Pot, Crystal Palace also confirmed their place in a final after seeing off Shakhtar Donetsk with a 2-1 victory (5-2 on aggregate), with cup specialist Oliver Glasner reaching his fourth major final in four seasons.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Two co-owners of the non-league club Maldon & Tiptree have been charged with human trafficking for sexual exploitation as well as rape after an investigation by Essex police. Barrie Drewitt-Barlow, 57, was charged with multiple offences alongside Scott Drewitt-Barlow, 32. Both men will appear at Chelmsford magistrates court later on Friday.

A pre-inquest hearing regarding the former Liverpool manager Matt Beard has heard that his family felt he was “bullied” by Burnley before his death.

Middlesbrough believe they caught an analyst from playoff opponents Southampton hiding in the bushes and allegedly recording a training session this week, in a dramatic repeat of the 2019 Marcelo Bielsa “spygate” affair. “The league is treating this matter as potential misconduct under EFL regulations and will be making no further comment,” parped an EFL spokesperson.

The Copa Libertadores match between Independiente Medellín and Flamengo in Colombia has had to be abandoned after home fans lit flares and threw objects on to the pitch shortly after kick-off. “The responsibility is not ours, the regulations are clear,” sniffed Flamengo’s director of football José Boto. “The home team failed to guarantee security.”

And Bayern Munich coach Vincent Kompany says he won’t allow his players to feel sorry for themselves after their Bigger Cup exit to PSG. “It is only about the future,” he tooted. “We are very pragmatic people in Belgium. If the goal difference [in the Bundesliga] is an all-time record of [plus] 81 then you have done quite a lot so as not to lose matches.”

STILL WANT MORE?

Come get your 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.

The seven games that will decide whether Arsenal or Manchester City win the title. By Harry Paterson.

Ben Fisher explains how Eli Junior Kroupi became Bournemouth’s next jewel … and a World Cup bolter to boot.

He’s also found time for this nice chat with Brentford’s Michael Kayode.

After 40 years of Football League drama Sam Cunningham reports that new light can be shone on how the playoffs came to be.

Few people know more about the business end of a promotion push than Stockport’s Dave Challinor. So Dom Booth had a natter with him.

Like huge team crests in a stadium tunnel, football’s confected controversies are hard to avoid, sighs Max Rushden.

It’s never too early to get on the Bigger Cup final preview beat, so Nick Ames has picked out six factors that could decide PSG v Arsenal.

And if you’ve got a few minutes, take on the latest sport quiz of the week. You know you want to.

MEMORY LANE

Heady times for Wolfsburg in the 2015 DFL-Supercup. Having won the DFB-Pokal in 2014-15, Wolfsburg met Bundesliga winners Bayern Munich in the August showpiece, securing a famous victory on penalties after [Lord] Nicklas Bendtner scored an 89th-minute equaliser from a Kevin De Bruyne assist – Bendtner would also score the decisive spot-kick in the shootout, which Wolfsburg won 5-4, one of De Bruyne’s final games in green before his £51m move to Manchester City. Wolfsburg and Bayern meet this weekend with the former in a quite different position: the Wolves are now 16th, in the relegation playoff spot and outside the automatic trap-door places on goal difference, with two games to play. St Pauli, who are 17th, face a tricky trip to RB Leipzig before they play none other than … Wolfsburg on the final day!

RAISE THAT BAT, SIR