Our correspondent at the MKM Stadium, Will Unwin, has filed his match report. So that’s my cue to make a cheese sandwich and think about how the hell this happened to the team I write about every week. Or how the Hull.

Thanks for your company and correspondence, some of it amused, some aghast. You’re spoilt for choice now: you can tune into Clockwatch with Barry Glendenning, as the 3pm games kick off, or you can stay with the story of the day and enjoy Will’s piece.

Michael Carrick gives an interview to Jules Breach, as measured as ever. Asked what he thought of United’s performance, he says: “Some was OK… bits to improve on… We had moments, we just didn’t have that spark to put the chances away. Listen, we’re bitterly disappointed, but it won’t knock us… We can’t ignore it, we’ve got a lot to learn from it. One game doesn’t change the whole direction of everything, but we’ve still got to be aware of what need to get better.

“It’s one game, and it hurts, of course it does, but we’ll stay calm, stay in the bubble and focus on next week.” That’s when they meet another promoted club, Ipswich, who may now fancy their chances.

A pair of emails from Michael Meagher. When United went behind, he sent this: “In January 2021 I texted my brother to say that there’s no way you can win the league with a defence built around Harry Maguire…”

Now he adds: “You’ll also never win the league with an attack built around Harry Maguire!”

Hull’s defensive midfielders, Matt Crooks and Regan Slater, are talking to TNT. “Cheapest midfield two in the league!” says Crooks. What a great line.

Crooks was released by Manchester United when he was 14. “It’s the academy system, isn’t it?” he says. “It was a case of either quit or go to a new club and try to prove yourself there.”

“I don’t want to overreact to just one match,” says Kári Tulinius, “but I think the title is now Hull’s to lose.”

This result will be giving pleasure to fans up and down the country and around the world. And some of it is showing up in my inbox. “As a child of the 90’s and a Villa fan,” says David Bertram, “this is so so funny.”

Meanwhile Stephen McCrossan picks up on a telling detail. “Is it not utterly bizarre,” he asks, “that a club which has spent (and often wasted) untold millions of pounds on players still adopts the tactic of putting their big centre half up front when they’re desperate for a goal?”

So, to the table. Early doors of course, but Hull are second, trailing Arsenal only on goal difference. And Man United are 19th, with only Coventry saving them from the wooden spoon.

The first interview is with Lewie Coyle – Hull’s captain, local hero and impressive right wing-back. “This team’s got resilience,” he says. “We know what we’re doing when we’re in that sort of low block. The gaffer’s got us well drilled... But it’s a collective thing.” That’s true: the Player of the Match award should really go to the whole Hull team.

Leeds, Milan, now Hull: Carrick’s United just can’t cope with a back five. But it wasn’t just the formation. Hull won the duels, showed the hunger, took the chances, and deserved the spoils.

The PA plays Rocking All Over The World. But this wasn’t the status quo: it was a hell of an upset. Before the game, the Opta algorithm gave Hull only an 11pc chance of a win today.

90+5 min Hull’s owner, Acun Ilicali, gets a kiss from his companion as the ball pings about in midfield. Millar, hoping for a free kick on the right wing, finds the whistle going against him, but it’s too late to make a difference.

90+4 min Is it safe to announce that Hull have won? United have had a lot of the ball, but hardly any momentum.

90+3 min Rashford’s chipped cross reaches Sesko, whose header is half-blocked, before bobbling kindly for Tzolakis. I suspect Rashford and Sesko will make hay together some time, but not today.

90+2 min “We’re going to win the league,” sing the home fans. As things stand, they’re second.

90+1 min A little through ball from Mainoo goes to … nobody.

90 min Yes, it’s six more mins. You wouldn’t back United to do much with them.

89 min Lacey is playing on the right, not in the hole, where Mbeumo now finds himself in his third different role of the day. Rumours of six added minutes. Where’s Scott McTominay when they need him?

87 min Shaw’s latest cross is safely held by Tzolakis, via a neat chest-down.

85 min Final sub for Hull: Matt Targett, who played against them in the play-off final, replaces the excellent Ryan Giles at left wing-back.

85 min Maguire shoots, hopefully, and Tzolakis saves, easily. If Hull win, as they surely will now, it’ll be the first time they’ve beaten United in the league since 1974.

83 min Rashford does well, showing graft as well as guile, and teeing up Mainoo … whose shot is blocked.

81 min Yet more crosses from United. One from Rashford just about finds Sesko, but the resulting corner yields nothing. And one from Fernandes, too close to Tzolakis.

80 min United are risking a third goal here, as they have to, and Hull sniff it until Maguire, haring back from inside-left, manages to clear.

79 min Michael Carrick plays his final cards: Dalot for Mazraoui at right-back and young Shea Lacey for Cunha as the No 10.

78 min Proper chance for United! Cunha sends a through ball to Mbeumo, whose low shot is well saved by the excellent Tzolakis. Players beginning with Tz- seem to be very good this season.

76 min Maguire, almost playing as an extra striker, is offside. United have had 14 shots, apparently, but none of them very threatening.

74 min Mazraoui feeds Mbeumo, whose shot sails over the bar.

74 min Rashford does some fancy footwork and tees up Fernandes, whose cross is a wild one. He’s been out of sorts.

73 min Chance for Hull! Drameh, on the right, hits a low shot that just eludes the post and the two teammates following up.

71 min A couple more crosses from United, aimed at Sesko but easily cleared by Hull.

70 min Two more subs for Hull: Lewis Coyle, the captain, gives way to Cody Drameh after giving his all as the right wing-back. At inside right, Elliot Stroud is replaced by Liam Millar.

67 min Two more United subs: Kobbie Mainoo for Tielemans, and Benjamin Sesko for Andrey Santos, so it’s all change in the pivot and either Bruno Fernandes is going back there or Mainoo is on his own and it’s 4-1-4-1. United could have done with Sesko in the past ten minutes, for Shaw to aim at with his crosses.

67 min Shaw’s cross finds Mbeumo, who can only shoot wide.

65 min The Shaw-Rashford axis supplies Cunha, whose shot is well blocked. Like so many today.

63 min First sub for Hull. Mendy, who scored the second goal, looks as if he may have pulled a muscle. He’s replaced by another new signing, Lucas Herrington, who is 18 but has played in the World Cup, for Australia. Paddy McNair is on too, in his own derby, replacing Ajayi. So both the goalscorers have left the stage.

61 min Hull’s turn to go on the attack. Giles’ cross is cleared by Maguire, but eventually a shot flies in from Belloumi, which goes just over the bar.

60 min As the hourglass tips over, the home fans are singing and waving flags. Tielemans plays a nice reverse pass through to Rashford, who can’t quite keep it out of Tzolakis’ hands.

59 min McBurnie goes on a cruise through midfield, and Shaw is needed again to snuff out the danger.

57 min Rashford is on manoeuvres again, until Tzolakis comes out to claim the ball. Rashford has already added something, but United still aren’t creating clear chances.

55 min Shaw saves the day at the back as Hull threaten to break, then gets forward on the overlap to receive Rashford’s pass and win a corner. But United, who scored 22 goals from set pieces last season, have done nothing with them today except concede.

54 min A pass inside from Mbeumo, a dummy from Fernandes – and there’s nobody there to shoot! That rather sums up United’s day.

52 min Rashford, racing after a chip, can’t get on the end of it because the ball lands in the safe hands of Tzolakis.

50 min Maguire gets some touches in the Hull box – a cross that brings a corner, then a header that doesn’t quite find an ivory shirt. Slightly better from United.

49 min Shaw, tidying up on the left, passes to Rashford, who has his first touch and his first dribble, and wins his first free kick. Nothing comes of it, but the Shaw-Rashford relationship was always a good one and it needs to spark now.

48 min Mbeumo squeezes in a shot but the flag is up in any case. United, by the way, have lost 18 of the last 19 PL games in which they’ve gone 2-0 down.

48 min Cunha, who was too deep as the striker, wins a free kick now.

46 min Another change for United: Cunha to the right, and Mbeumo to the middle, where he started most of the pre-season games.

In the mailbox, there seems to be the odd disgruntled United fan. “This has been some rubbish so far from United,” says Matan. “Again, what are we doing with a back four of Shaw, Maguire, Heaven, and Mazraoui? The lineup is crying out for Lisandro Martinez, who I assume can’t go 90 yet. And probably Leny Yoro as well. And maybe also Diogo Dalot…”

“So,” says Chris Blunt, “considering your withering tales about Amorim (you were not wrong btw), who gets the blame for this omnishambles?” Well, the buck always stops with the boss, but Carrick has a lot of credit in the bank.

The cameras find Marcus Rashford, going through an energetic warm-up.

“It’s been much more than set pieces,” says Owen Hargreaves, who knows a bit about playing for United. “Hull have won every second ball… United haven’t played poorly, but Hull have been more aggressive.”

45+1 min The first of two added minutes. Cunha tees up Fernandes, whose curled shot is well blocked.

45 min Another half-chance for Dorgu, who heads well wide. There’s a pattern to United’s moves – started by Maguire, finished or not by Dorgu. You wonder if this is a policy from Hull, to keep the ball away from the real danger man, Fernandes. If so, it’s working a treat.

44 min Fernandes takes a neat touch on the right wing, but again the cross is easily cleared.

43 min The first yellow card for Hull goes to Matt Crooks, not sure what for.

41 min United manage some possession, but the move peters out when Dorgu makes the wrong choice in the box. Then Mbeumo gets to the byline, only for his cross to be hoofed away.

40 min Football, bloody Hull.

37 min As Hull bustle forward, Tielemans gives away a free kick in a dangerous zone.

35 min Chance for United: a cross from Shaw leads to a bicycle kick from Mbeumo, sweetly struck but easily saved. The resulting corner is well held by Tzolakis, who is making a confident debut.

34 min The first yellow card goes to Dorgu. That might lead to more minutes for the only left-winger in United’s squad, a fellow named Rashford.

32 min A graphic shows that there have been 31 duels, one a minute, and Hull have won 20 of them. That’s telling.

29 min Another opening for Dorgu as Maguire sends in a testing cross, but Dorgu is still not quite a forward, even if he scored a worldie at Arsenal.

“United fan here,” says Matan. “Our starting back four looks, let’s say, short of the level required for any type of title challenge. Or for finishing in the Champions League places. I assume Lisandro Martinez isn’t fully fit and will take a starting spot once he is?” Yes, up to a point: I suspect they’ll rotate, with Heaven or Leny Yoro playing when pace is required, and Maguire getting a few breathers. Matthias de Ligt is back in training at last.

26 min The tempo has been frenetic, which suits Hull more than United. They need to get Tielemans and Fernandes pulling the strings.

25 min Messy from both sides in midfield. Fernandes is allowed to send a chip to Dorgu, who gets a shot away, but it was always going wide.

24 min Hull have a clear plan: to send in crosses. Against Maguire and Heaven, it shouldn’t work, but it has made all the difference so far.

22 min As United wonder what’s hit them, they get away down the right. Mbeumo curls in a nice cross, looking for the head of Dorgu, who fouls the keeper.

20 min Another chance for Hull! A cross from the left, a half-clearance from Heaven, and a shot from Belloumi, who balloons it into the crowd.

19 min It came from a corner, mayhem in the box, a good flick-on from somebody, a shot from McBurnie that almost went over the line as Lammens saved it, and then Ajayi, a centre-half, following up like a centre-forward.

16 min It’s been a good open game, no sign of a bus being parked.

15 min Best chance so far, and it falls to Hull! McBurnie sends in an excellent header, which Senne Lammens does well to save, low to his right.

14 min A second shot for United, after a flowing move inspired by Fernandes. Cunha takes a touch, spins and shoots with his left foot, straight at Tzolakis.

13 min First chance for United! Shaw’s cross eventually reaches Mbeumo, whose snap shot is well saved by Tzolakis.

11 min Hull go long down the right, but this time Lewie Coyle can’t get quite keep the ball in.

9 min McBurnie might have another chance on the break, had he not opted to stand still and appeal to the ref for a foul. “Don’t know why he did that,” says another well-travelled striker, Ally McCoist.

7 min Tielemans, surrounded by orange shirts, feels the need to go down and pick up a rather soft free kick.

5 min Chance for Hull! They race away down the right and Lewie Coyle, the local hero, sends in a fine cross. It’s homing in on Oli McBurnie’s head until Noussair Mazraoui gets in the way.

3 min Ayden Heaven drills the ball forward to launch a lovely lattice-work of passes, which doesn’t quite end in a chance for Fernandes.

2 min The smoke still hasn’t cleared, but as Bryan Mbeumo sends in a high cross, Konstantinos Tzolakis has no trouble picking the ball out of the sky.

1 min United kick off and Maguire goes long to find Luke Shaw on the left, but a promising move is cut short by a free kick to Hull.

Hull, naturally, are in orange too, with black stripes. United are in ivory as Bruno Fernandes gathers them for a pep talk.

The teams come out, and so do the fireworks. The MKM Stadium is a happy swirl of orange smoke.

Michael Carrick has been talking to TNT. He’s asked about the new midfielders, Santos and Tielemans. “Top quality between them, different ways. Two fantastic personalities that fit straight away into the group.”

On Rashford: “We’re delighted to have Marcus back. He’s looked fit, he’s looked sharp.”

On Amad: “He just picked up a niggle at the end of the week. He’s been in good form, so it’s a bit of shame.”

In true Guardian fashion, the first correction of the new season has already landed. “Not to be pedantic,” says Dave Greenhalgh, “but United’s defeat wasn’t ‘at’ Leeds, it was at home.” So it was! Thanks Dave, and apologies.

The mailbox is beginning to bulge. “Hey,” says Karen Asad, ”I know you don’t like to hear it Tim, but I look at United and the only negative I see right now is the fact that Rashford’s back. I just hope his presence and media attention do not derail a very settled squad from last season. Please don’t forget Rashford’s struggles long predate Amorim.

“I love Carrick being here but it’s not fair to ignore the discipline Amorim brought to United; all his other faults considered. Maybe Barca not signing him has brought a long-overdue wake-up call for Rashy.”

Point taken about the discipline, but Amorim’s purge of the left-wingers did weaken the team. And Rashford’s presence didn’t derail Villa, Barca or England. I’d back Carrick to cope, knowing him as well as he does, but you may be right, it could all go wrong.

The first email of the day comes from our man at the match. “Grey skies sit above the MKM Stadium,” says Will Unwin, “but there is great positivity among both clubs as Hull mark their return to the Premier League with a game against one of the competition’s greats.

“Manchester United think Michael Carrick can banish the memories of numerous failed spells from higher profile coaches and have invested in midfield. Andrey Santos and Youri Tielemans have been tasked from the start and are a well-balanced pairing in theory, but the proof will be in the performance.

“The wily Oli McBurnie will fancy his chances of unnerving Ayden Heaven, who has been given the nod at centre-back. The striker has spent much of his career outside of the English top flight but is relentless in terms of work-rate and pops up inside the box at crucial times, as he evidenced at Wembley to secure promotion.”

McBurnie does look like a big threat. But I’d back Heaven to cope – he was classy in pre-season and can’t be blamed for the collapse against Milan, as it was 2-2 when he was taken off.