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STUNG BY THE BEES

While the opening round of Premier League fixtures hasn’t yet concluded, Football Daily can’t be alone in having jerked both knees to the point of dislocation based on the evidence of what little we’ve seen thus far. Newly-promoted Hull City look the most likely contenders to challenge Arsenal for the title. Ipswich Town’s Julio Enciso already looks a shoo-in for the Ballon d’Or. Eddie Howe will be head coach of Manchester United by the end of the next international break – if Aston Villa don’t nab him first. And judging by James Trafford’s endearingly heartfelt post-match soliloquy on Match of the Day, Leeds United’s gain is very much the Royal Shakespeare Company’s loss.

“Who cares, just enjoy it … just have a right go,” exhorted the Leeds keeper in plummy tones, channelling his inner Kenneth Branagh as he pondered the futility of folk getting too bent out of shape over the occasional setback during a meandering top-flight campaign. Of course while Trafford is correct in his assertion that things don’t always go swimmingly for even the best of teams, Tottenham fans were genuinely buoyed by optimism going into their curtain-raiser after two seasons of watching their under-performing club circling the drain. Excited by the sight of their owners hosing a bazillion pounds upon a Supermarket Sweep-style summer transfer market trolley-dash that shows little or no sign of abating, even the most pessimistic among them couldn’t have envisaged the absolute monstering their team would endure at the hands of Brentford.

“Bad game,” sniffed a crestfallen Roberto De Zerbi, after witnessing a textbook ‘Lads, it’s Tottenham’ performance in which his side were 3-0 down after just 49 minutes. “Our physical condition was not in the right level for all players because many came later after the [Geopolitics] World Cup and there were many new players in the squad and first XI.” While Andy Robertson, Marcos Senesi and Jan Paul van Hecke were the debutants who probably deserve a pass having returned late from their summer exertions, the same cannot be said for Spurs’ spanking new £100m midfielder Sandro Tonali, whose country hasn’t troubled a World Cup since he was 14. The Italian was completely overshadowed by his Brentford counterpart Mamadou Sangaré, who was immeasurably more effective than Tonali for considerably less than half the transfer fee.

“It’s been really nice working with him and I think the club deserves a lot of credit for getting that deal done,” buzzed Bees boss Keith Andrews following the Malian’s bravura debut performance in the Premier League. “We [want to] be relentless, we want to approach the game in as aggressive a way as you can and as positive a way as you can but you can’t always do that because you’ve got to take backwards steps at times. Football’s a soap opera, that’s the reality of it – stories within the narrative. There’s goodies, there’s baddies and you need to live with that, whatever you’re dealt.” And of course, every ongoing soap needs its comic relief and for the third consecutive season, despite stiff opening weekend competition, that role already looks destined for Spurs.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Bobby’s a Yorkshire boy, who’s got character and a bit of fight, a bit of spirit. I read his words in the Bristol press earlier this week when he said, if they give me some proper stick, I’ll celebrate … if they’re not giving Bobby some outrageous chants, then I don’t think Bobby would have been running 100 yards. He had to come off afterwards. He was very tired” – Bristol Rovers boss Steve Evans defends Bobby Kamwa after the winger scored against Newport County – who he left earlier in the summer – and went the full Adebayor.

FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS

Oh, Spurs. Last year’s relegation of West Ham and Wolves had them starting at the foot of the no-points, alphabetical order league table. Then some early promise – without even kicking a ball, by 5pm on Saturday they had risen up a whole quarter of the table, to 15th. The real problems set in when they started actually kicking a ball (or trying to)” – Phil Taverner.

It probably won’t happen (he says, trying to tempt fate), but Spurs finishing 17th and winning their first trophy since 2008 and their first European trophy since 1984 and firing their manager, mate, then proceeding to finish 17th but without a trophy and then spending £400m, just to finish 18th and get relegated, would be the most peak Spursy moment in football history. If they do ‘achieve’ it, I’d give them the Ballon D’or Men’s Team of the Year award” – Noble Francis.

After Hull’s dead-ball demolition of an increasingly expensive Manchester United, I notice they’re sponsored by McVities. Can I be the first to suggest the headline ‘Half Man Half Biscuit’?” – Kev McCready (and no others).

If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day goes to … Phil Taverner. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here.

PARTNERSHIP OF THE DAY

5.01pm, 21 August: “Lumo is proud to team up with Preston North End FC as the club’s official rail travel partner! With five away fixtures in London this Championship season, we’re helping Lilywhites fans travel affordably between Deepdale and the capital, with fares from under £30. Whether you’re heading to Charlton, QPR, Millwall, Watford or West Ham, we’ve got your journey covered” – that sounds pretty good, though how to they fit around kick-off times, such as Charlton at 3pm next Saturday?

7.46pm, 21 August: “Our last train back from London is at 1619 on Saturdays I’m afraid” – ah.

11.25am, 22 August: “Preston North End’s partnership with Lumo is aimed at fans who might be heading to London to watch North End away, whilst also looking for a weekend stopover. Lumo provides supporters which much more affordable travel from Preston down to the capital, so arguably you can travel there and back, plus a hotel, for less than you might normally pay for your standard train ticket. We appreciate it might not have read that way in the original message, and apologise for any confusion caused” – how much must those fares be to compare with such a bargain hotel hotspot as London?

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

The Football Weekly pod squad chew over the opening weekend in the Premier League. Listen here. And you can watch it, too, if you like.

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Football Weekly Live events are coming. If you want to see Max Rushden, Barry Glendenning and other top, top pod squad members in the flesh, you can do so in Dublin on 1 September or that there London on 9 September.

RECOMMENDED WATCHING

There’s getting off the mark for your club and then there’s getting off the mark for your club like Bristol City’s Dom Ballard, scoring a goal-of-the-season contender with this preposterous backheeled volley in their 2-2 draw at Birmingham. And it went in off the crossbar for bonus aesthetics points.

TEETHING PAINS

A new era for West Ham, 62,264 fans packed in for the Championship’s biggest ever regular-season attendance, against Charlton? Not quite, with the Addicks pulling off a 2-1 victory in which Taty Castellanos missed a stoppage-time penalty for the hosts, taking the spot-kick instead of Jarrod Bowen. “We trust Taty to take the penalties. I don’t know [if he will take the next one], we will have to decide,” sighed manager Nuno Espírito Santo. “Of course, I feel under pressure. West Ham is pressure every day – it is a big club. You see that with 62,000 fans in the stands and we let them down.” And a new era for Leicester City, back in the third tier of English football little more than a decade after their Premier League title? Not quite, following up a 1-1 draw at newly-promoted Notts County by going down 2-1 at home to Burton Albion. “We have to have some really honest conversations,” bemoaned boss Russell Martin. “I take responsibility as a manager, so if I haven’t prepared them psychologically well enough, we must look at that.”

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

The English Football League and Scottish Professional Football League are considering legal action after discovering that TV coverage of their matches has been broadcast in Russia this season.

SC Cambuur say fans suffered burns, hearing damage and eye injuries ⁠after visiting Feyenoord ultras threw fireworks that led to a 20-minute delay during their 5-2 home defeat. “Our own goalkeeper had a flare ​fired at him and only just ‌managed to avoid ‌it,” said Feyenoord general manager Robert Eenhoorn, describing the incident as “simply terrible”.

Uefa chief suit, Aleksander Ceferin, has described Gianni Infantino’s doomed attempt flog stakes in the World Cup as “even worse than the $uper £eague plan” and, though he won’t run against the Fifa head-honcho himself, he warned Infantino that he will face an opponent if he runs for re-election next March.

Unai Emery’s lid is rattling after responding to questions about Ollie Watkins’s absence in Aston Villa’s 4-0 hammering at Brighton by telling hacks: “Call him … and you can call his agent and he can respond.”

Andoni Iraola says he “wouldn’t have signed up for” Liverpool’s 2-2 draw at Newcastle but enjoyed the lip-smacking “taste” of Dominik Szoboszlai’s 99th-minute equaliser all the same. “We had done more than enough to score that goal,” he yelped. “If it had been earlier, probably the run of the game was for us.”

Fabinho is set ⁠to cosy up with former Liverpool teammate ⁠Mohamed Salah ⁠at ​Trabzonspor after the club posted a photo of the ⁠32-year-old Brazilian wearing ​their ‌kit on ‌a private jet. Meanwhile, Salah scored twice on his first start for the Turkish Super Lig side on Sunday.

The football with which Diego Maradona scored his famous “hand of God” goal at the 1986 World Cup has sold at auction for £2.5m. We’re guessing Peter Shilton wasn’t the successful bidder.

Having talked up his dreams of joining Barcelona during the summer, Julián Alvarez has been getting it from Atlético fans, being jeered during their 2-2 opener against Villarreal in La Liga. “The club decided he should not go near the stands or the ​fans,” tooted boss Diego Simeone. “It was the club’s decision to keep him away and separate him, so he could go to the locker room.”

And Eintracht Frankurt have made history by scoring 10 goals in the first half of their hard-fought 11-0 German Cup win over fifth-tier SC St Tönis. “I want to compliment SC St Tönis on a very courageous performance,” honked boss Adi Hütter. “They wanted to compete right from the off.”

STILL WANT MORE?

Our WSL team previews are up and running and you can get your initial fill courtesy of Birmingham City, Aston Villa and Arsenal.

Meet the new Spurs, same as the old Spurs. By Billy Munday.

Andrew Beasley crunches the numbers that show why it wasn’t just Manchester United’s defence that was a big worry at Hull.

Newcastle and Liverpool cranked up the entertainment in a fitting tribute to Kevin Keegan, writes Sam Dalling.

Sid Lowe was at Espanyol to watch the José Mourinho show roll back into Real Madrid with late drama and even … what’s that … a touch of humility?

Lincoln City’s return to the second tier has been 65 years in the making, so a home defeat to Pompey isn’t deflating fans, reports Aaron Bower.

And keep up with the latest transfer window moves via our men’s and women’s interactives on the world’s biggest leagues.

MEMORY LANE

A Bob Smithies beauty from Rochdale, featuring a group of blokes having a kickaround during their lunch break in 1966, with blocks of flats dominating the town’s skyline in the background.

THE SWEATING HAS FINALLY CEASED