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Most people who meet Polly Burridge these days know her as “that Swans girl”. The 30-year-old is a vocal and public fan of the Sydney AFL team, making social media content about the club, networking with other fans, and co-hosting a Swans-devoted podcast, True Bloods. It’s a long way from the girl who was bullied for loving AFL as a kid growing up in the NRL heartland of south-west Sydney.

“It’s a very, very big part of my identity and how I define myself as a person,” Burridge says.

It’s a closeness that’s made the maelstrom surrounding the club this week so much harder to take.

Victoria police are investigating an alleged sexual assault early on Monday morning at the Pullman Hotel in Melbourne, where the Sydney men’s team had been staying after their game against Essendon on Sunday.

On Wednesday morning, the club separately stood down five high-profile players for the rest of the season for being “in serious breach of expected club behaviour and standards”, with the Swans chief executive, Matthew Pavlich, saying of the offending behaviour: “It was staying out late, it was drinking, it was continuing their night, it was bringing women back to the hotel, it was a long way short of what we expect from our players.”

None of the men have been arrested or charged in relation to the sexual assault investigation. But the combination of these events has not only struck the club’s fanbase, but ricocheted through the wider football community.

Swans fans, club leaders and women who play Australian rules football have described to Guardian Australia a sense of fatigue and frustration at what they see as yet another demonstration of a footballing culture that undermines and devalues women.

There’s a particularly acute sense of betrayal, they say, because Sydney was a club that had publicly championed its commitment to inclusion and diversity.

“I have seen four losing grand finals in my lifetime and nothing of that can even remotely compare to this,” Burridge says. “The initial gut reaction when the news was coming through … was just this dread that I had never ever felt with this footy club.”

On Friday, the Swans men’s coach, Dean Cox, and captain, Callum Mills, apologised to “the AFLW players, our female staff and the women in our lives, our partners, mothers, sisters and all women within the community”.

“We take full responsibility, and we are deeply sorry,” Cox said. “We’ve got a lot of work to do for our football community and the community in general … We’re willing to put that work in.”

The Swans AFLW captain, Lucy McEvoy, said on Friday afternoon her team was “incredibly disappointed” about what had happened, but “we know the actions of those five players are not a reflection of the broader club”.

“The girls are working through their emotions as they see fit for themselves. Personally, we wrap our arms around everyone as the whole entire club,” McEvoy said. “There’s no doubt the club has taken a reputational hit this week. And we’ll do whatever we can as a club, in both programs, to make sure we build back the trust and respect of our members and fans and the community more broadly.”

On Sunday, the Swans AFLW team is set to play a highly anticipated double header at the SCG alongside the men’s team – an event that was intended to be a celebration of the progress of the women’s side.

Burridge says she has been “going back and forth” on whether to stay for the whole afternoon. “No matter what, I’ll be there to support the girls. Whether I stay for the boys’ game as well, it remains to be seen,” she says.

“I want to go and support the boys who have done the right thing and aren’t doing anything wrong. But at the same time, it still does feel weird and yuck to put the red and white on at the moment.”

Carmen Chong, a Swans fan and amateur footballer in Melbourne, says the events of the past week “made me so disappointed in the club”.

“Growing up in Sydney, the Swans were everything when it came to footy. Moving around the country a bit, they were always an important link home,” Chong says.

“I really thought their culture was better than that, but at the same time, taking a step back and seeing how big football is in places like Melbourne, it’s not surprising that privileged men think they can always get away with unacceptable behaviour.

“This kind of behaviour just signals to community footy that this society thinks this is fine.”

Lydia Holt, the president of Melbourne’s West Brunswick Amateur Football Club, recognised among the footballing community for its progressive gender politics, says her community is feeling “quite exhausted, and a bit empty, because this issue just persists”.

“I’ve almost stopped wondering when it will change,” she says, “and I’m almost back to wondering if it will change … The needle’s barely moving.”

Holt says West Brunswick has made it a priority to invest and support all its teams equally, but says in community football generally, “it’s quite clear” that men’s teams and programs often “get elevated over their W peers”.

“The default is the boys’ club and everything that comes with that,” Holt says. “So they get access to better facilities, better training times. They’ll be on the better oval. More resources – not just funding resources but literally just the [playing] times, the actual surface of the oval and where they’re playing.

“If you’re not really taking this proactive stance and putting a lot of initiative to really address the issues, that default [will] just perpetuate itself.”

Drew Menard and his two adult daughters are deep and lifelong Swans fans, but are now reconsidering their memberships. Menard has coached girls’ and senior women’s community football, and his daughters, 21 and 18, are talented players. “Junior footy was our church. Every Sunday morning we shared a ritual and [were] part of a greater, accepting community,” he says.

While he feels that “most of the public discourse that clubs make about equity is all lip service,” he says, “the Swans have always been very forward facing with diversity and inclusion.”

“I was shocked that anyone on the Swans could even do this. It never existed on my radar; maybe other clubs, but not the Swans. They’re squeaky clean,” Menard says.

“But what really hurt was my oldest daughter’s response of ‘fuck them!’ She has been a diehard fan since she could walk, and we’ve all had so much excitement about this year maybe being the one again. The disgust in her voice broke my heart … I don’t know what the Swans as an organisation can do to convince me that all of the talk about diversity, gender or otherwise, wasn’t just rhetoric.”

Jane Ryan, the president of the inaugural VFLW premiers, the Darebin Falcons, in Melbourne’s inner north, said the allegation was “deeply confronting for everybody”.

“Fundamentally, I don’t put it back to AFL, I put it to society,” Ryan says. “These are things that we see over and over again.

“Creating a safe sporting environment is much broader than preventing sexual violence. We’ve got to challenge attitudes and behaviours that make people feel excluded, unsafe or unwelcome. And that’s regardless whether it’s sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia or other forms of discrimination.

“Sport just has to be somewhere where everyone belongs.”