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Kevin, 38

Since the all clear, my relationship with my sexuality has shifted a lot

I’ve been in recovery from drug addiction since I was 19, and I had cancer 10 years ago. So there have been points when sex has been important to me, and periods of abstaining and working on myself. Jade and I have been together for 11 years, and the sex was always good – not particularly kinky, just really intimate, nice sex.

I got ill after we’d been together less than a year and had to have one of my testicles removed, which put an immediate stop to any sex. Then I was in chemo, and sex wasn’t even on my mind – the whole period was incredibly traumatic. I’m eternally grateful that Jade stuck with me through it. Since then, my relationship with my sexuality has shifted a lot. I’ve become more vulnerable and open.

When Jade came back from a party and said a couple had asked her for a threesome, we were in a really good place. We were having sex multiple times a week, talking a lot, being open. We were actively looking for something fun, exciting and maybe a bit naughty to do. So when she asked how I felt about it, my reaction was, “I feel pretty good.”

We started going to parties and clubs together. The first time I saw Jade with a guy, I thought, “Oh, this is actually really nice.” We were instantly more attracted to each other. As soon as there was this little bit of spice, maybe even a threat, it gave us a boost. We found operating as a couple and seeing each other with other people easy. There was an instant uptick in the amount of sex we were having and how exciting it was.

I have scarring from the operation – all the lymph nodes were removed from one side of my groin, and there’s a big scar where they removed the testicle on the other side, so that was a massive blow in terms of confidence and self-image. But since exploring polyamory, I’m a far more confident person than I was before. I feel better than I ever have in my life. My relationship to my own sexuality, confidence and body is miles ahead of where it was. If you’d asked me three years ago, I would have said I was straight. I now identify as queer.

Jade, 37

Now we date and have sex solo. It’s been a very mutual exploration

Kevin was diagnosed with cancer early on and that obviously shapes things. We had so many challenges that sex wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. But since then we found our feet, and have both been keen to explore new things.

We were monogamous for eight years, but decided to open things up three years ago. Some people do it to fix something in their relationship, but we were in a great space and wanted to share that and accelerate it with other people. A few years after Kevin got the all-clear, we were feeling exploratory and I had the opportunity to have a threesome at a party. I didn’t do it, but told Kevin I thought it would be fun, and he immediately said, “Right then, let’s do it.”

We started going to sex-positive parties and began playing together in group settings or with a third person. Now we date and have sex with other people solo. I sleep with men, women and everyone in between, and so does Kevin. It’s been a very mutual exploration.

I’d never really considered non‑monogamy before. There’s this assumed way of being that you accept, and then suddenly you discover all this richness available to you outside monogamy, and what it can bring to your relationship with your primary partner.

One of the main challenges is that we do things at different paces. Kevin is really open-hearted and forms quite strong, close relationships with people, which can create a bit of an imbalance. I’ve had to learn this balance between independence and togetherness between us.

For me, it feels great when both of our cups are full. We’re both getting meaningful, fun, exciting experiences independently of each other – and then also together.

Names have been changed