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Late-night hosts imagined an alternative White House correspondents’ dinner roast and recapped Donald Trump’s latest erratic threats on Iran.

Jimmy Kimmel

On Thursday evening, Jimmy Kimmel looked ahead to this weekend’s annual gala hosted by the White House Correspondents’ Association (WHCA), which Donald Trump promised would be the “GREATEST, HOTTEST, and MOST SPECTACULAR DINNER, OF ANY KIND, EVER!”

“The only thing hotter than this dinner are his diapers on the golf course,” the host quipped.

This will be the first time that Trump attends the annual event for press and politicians as president, and the Daily Beast reported that his plan for the occasion is to lambast the media and leave, in an intentional “mic-drop moment” – “which I think would be disappointing”, said Kimmel.

“This is the first time Trump is even going to the correspondents’ dinner as president,” he added, “but he doesn’t have to worry about being made fun of, because the event isn’t being hosted by a comedian this year.” Instead, the White House Correspondents’ Association hired mentalist Oz Pearlman to perform. “It breaks with many years of tradition – at the correspondents’ dinner, typically someone funny shows up and roasts the luminaries and the president and everyone,” Kimmel explained. “But our president is a delicate snowflake with the thinnest fat skin of any human being ever, and that means there’s going to be no comedian this year.

“So I thought, why not take a page from the Kid Rock alternative half-time show, and do some of the jokes a comedian might do if our president wasn’t a trembling drama queen who’s scared of comedy.”

Kimmel then took the podium for his own alternative White House correspondents’ dinner roast, targeting the president and his minions. “We’ll get you all dressed up in formal wear, dresses, tuxedos. I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump-Epstein files,” he began.

“We’re gonna have fun tonight, and I’m happy you decided to stay, Mr President. And don’t worry if we bruise your ego, it’ll only make your hands look less disgusting.

“In the unfortunate event that our president has a medical emergency tonight, do we have a doctor in the house? I’m sorry. I mean, do we have a Jesus in the house? I always confuse them, too,” he added. “I get why you think you’re Jesus. This guy, every time he walks into a room, people say, ‘Christ, he’s back.’”

Some other gems included: “President Trump has accomplished so much during his second term. He passed new incentives for oil and gas. He put the brakes on solar and wind. That will be your legacy, sir, breaking wind and passing gas.”

And Kimmel also took aim at several in Trump’s cabinet, including adviser Stephen Miller, who he called “so racist. The reason he went bald is because his hair was black. Stephen Miller puts the ‘cist’ in white supremacist. He’s like if baby Hitler traveled in time to kill us.”

Stephen Colbert

On the Late Show, former WHCA dinner roast comic Stephen Colbert also addressed the upcoming gala. “The word is, after he rips the press corps a new one, Trump is going to immediately leave so that he will miss the annual presentation of press awards,” he reported.

“And I can understand why he’s going to dip, because one of these awards – and this is true – is going to the Wall Street Journal for its scoop about a certain birthday pube doodle for Jeffrey Epstein,” he added, referring to the infamous birthday card Trump wrote the convicted sex offender with lines in the shape of a woman’s body and his signature in the pubic region.

Colbert also touched on the fact that, contrary to tradition, there will be no comic present this year to roast the president; instead of a comedian, the White House Correspondents’ Association hired mentalist Oz Pearlman.

In an interview before his performance, Pearlman hinted that Trump won’t just be watching but participating in his act, as “reading Donald Trump’s mind is arguably the most impressive thing you could ever do.”

“Really? Reading his mind?” Colbert mused. “When has he not immediately blurted out whatever is just rattling around in his skull.”

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers checked in on Trump’s disaster in Iran as his children enrich themselves with taxpayer money. “So the president’s family is dining at the taxpayer trough,” he said, “meanwhile the rest of us are getting hit with price hikes and supply shortages as a result of Trump’s war with Iran.”

Average gas prices are up a dollar since 1 March; jet fuel prices have nearly doubled, a dozen major carriers have cut flights and Spirit airlines is nearing bankruptcy and a possible government bailout. “Man, I knew Donald Trump was on tilt, but I didn’t think he’d buy Spirit Airlines,” Meyers joked. “Imagine if things were going bad already and your spouse came home and told you that.

“So now we might spend half a billion dollars to bail out an airline because of a war we started, and even Republicans are mad.” On X, Ted Cruz called the potential bailout “an absolutely TERRIBLE idea”.

“And remember, this is Ted Cruz,” said Meyers. “Ted Cruz has Donald Trump’s back all the time, and even he can’t go with him on this. He’s like, ‘Mr President, you need to focus on bringing prices down,’ and Trump’s, like ‘I have a plan. The federal government is going to take over TJ Maxx. Ted, it’s the Maxx for the minimum, Ted!’

“Trump knows how much of a mess this is,” Meyers continued, “and he’s so desperate to wriggle his way out of it that now he’s threatening to shoot at Iranian ships in the strait of Hormuz, and generally just posting like a maniac.”

In a lengthy and erratic Truth Social post, Trump called for the sinking of ships in the strait at a “tripled up” level.

“Again, my man is on tilt,” Meyers joked. “He sounds like a degenerate gambler who’s losing at the craps table.”